Enter heartfelt blog that will try to abstain from self-pity.
Some of you who know me or who have been following me know that my youth group is new. We've usually just been a group of kids who go to the same church. In the past month, though, we've started to do skits and plan things and we're all really excited. I had a great service at church last night. I really felt God and I was so excited to get to be able to go to another church's youth rally tonight. I just really wanted to be able to worship God somewhere else that was new with people I go to school with and really feel like I'm part of a church community and not just a church. But then it was supposed to snow, and my mom didn't want me driving in the forecasted snow, and it was supposed to be a blizzard like no one had ever seen before. And I was freaking disappointed, because I had looked forward to this for like two weeks and I really really needed it. I mean, I looked nice and everything. And then of course Mom drives me to church (it's not snowing) and tells my friend that we should wait because stuff is going to go crazy. So she decides too, that we should wait, and I know that she was disappointed, because she was just as excited as I was. So I go back home, avoid the mockings of my father, and sit in my room. Seven o'clock comes- the youth rally is starting across town and I am sitting in my room alone trying to feel better listening to music. And it's okay because I'm helping one friend, chatting with a couple more. But then a couple of hours go by and not one freaking snowflake has fallen on the ground and I could have been there but I'm not there and I don't know if I messed up or not and it really hurts when things don't work out the way that they're supposed to. My pastor said and I already knew that the devil would be on our backs today, and I sure feel like he's been jumping on mine. I don't know what I should have done or if I did what I'm supposed to do or what but it's probably over by now and the roads are safe and I should have been there. We all should have been there. But we didn't go, and I feel like I've failed and that we've failed and that this is never going to work out. I just need a freaking hug because I'm hurting, and I guess that's too much to ask for.
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I had a snow day today! It's very exciting. I watched a movie, played some games on my kindle, and ate some junk food. Now, though, I have an idea that came to me whilst I was browsing pinterest! I have decided that I am going to point out the specifics of what I think is attractive in the opposite sex and what, specifically, shuts down my visual happiness. I will provide image sources!
Here goes: Attractive:
Unattractive:
Guys with dogs: One Two Three Expressions Matter Don't Try Too Hard Avoid the Stache Hello and welcome to the absolute best place to read a rant/essay that will inspire you to think about your life and decisions! Maybe I'm just a little biased.
Either way, I wanted to share with you some more of my thoughts, so here goes. I was sitting in church last night, and while my pastor was talking about getting saved and growing closer to God, a thought came to my mind. I thought of that night when my brother was killed, and how I woke up around an hour before, but had no idea what was wrong. I went back to sleep, and when I woke up again, my whole life had changed. My emotions had definitely changed- I hadn't dealt with death of anyone close to me at all at that point, and I didn't know how to process it, so I shut down. I dealt with children, I kept to myself, and I gave hugs that had absolutely no emotion behind them. I got pissed off at my dad who kept wailing because he was being selfish and acting like he was the only one who was hurting. My mom asked me to vacuum for heaven's sake. But eventually I grew out of that state of emotional immaturity and had another 'awakening." I think a lot of people are clingy, but some hide it much better than others. Everyone has had a crutch at some point, whether it was staying at home with Mom and Dad, an addiction, not trying because you're afraid you'll fail, or just refusing to go anywhere out of your comfort zone. And we all cling to something. It makes us feel safe, and we don't want to leave that one thing. When something pushes us away from our object, feeling, or situation of choice, we immediately feel uncomfortable and we want to go back. But there comes a point when you have to choose to walk a few steps away and see how it feels. Get used to it there, then push yourself a little bit farther. This is basically how you grow as a person. However, there are always those people who are Linus and never, ever, ever leave their blanket anywhere. Point in case, people who never want to grow up. You know them, or at least you know about them. These are the people that cling to being young to hard that they don't want to get a job, they don't want to feed their children, they don't want to have protected sex, and they definitely do not want to have the responsibilities that they do. They do immature things like get into fights at bars or clubs, switch romantic partners frequently, and often foster addictions. They need babysitters, but they're older than I am. And I want to shout at them to look at the situation they have put themselves in. It is not their mother's fault that they got pregnant young and now have four hungry mouths to feed. They chose to do that, and now, as a physical adult, they refuse to take responsibility for their actions and own up to the fact that they are forced to eat the humble pie they made themselves. Please let me be clear- it is human to depend on things. It is also human to make mistakes. However, we become inneffective and undesirable to others when we continually cling to our blanket and forget that our mistakes are our choices and we have to learn from them. So, my challenge to you this Thursday is to look at what is holding you back. Do not be afraid to change into something better. |
AuthorTwenty-something kind-of-adult woman trying to navigate her future, her calling, and her God. Archives
August 2017
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