I feel led to write about myself tonight. I usually don't, because then I am forced to mentally separate my identity, my situation, and my feelings. The song that goes "Even if the healing doesn't come and life falls apart, my world becomes undone, you are God, you are good, forever faithful one- even if the healing doesn't come," is on my heart.
Tonight my cousin was talking about girls discussing being on birth control when they're not in committed relationships on Facebook, calling these girls whores. I am not a whore. I am not in a committed relationship... I am a virgin and a Christian, and I am on birth control. You see, I have this syndrome that is usually referred to as PCOS. The acronym stands for a sometimes inaccurate name based upon one symptom- polycystic ovaries. Not all people with PCOS have all symptoms. In fact, some only have one or two. Not many people know about the syndrome itself. It's not a disease though. You can't treat the PCOS itself, just your symptoms. Nobody's really sure why it starts. They think it might be genetic, but no promises. My issue is hormonal, so for me, my treatment includes things that help my body better process, produce, or carry out procedures or things that it can't on its own. So basically I take birth control, and a medication that makes me more insulin sensitive, and one that tells my acne to chill out (and also turns my arm and leg hair white.) But what bothered me most was that I would be automatically lumped in with my overly sexually active peers were I to publicly proclaim that I'm on birth control.
0 Comments
Well... As you may have gathered, I have been going through sort of a rough time lately. I've been up and down a lot- usually up in public and down in private.
Yesterday was one of those bad days. I was tired and ready for my first dress rehearsal to be over and a friend and stage manager said something about me and Michael being together. We're not. We are so not. Aside from him being the ex of a friend, he and I are way too strangely different. He's atheist. Although I don't have an issue with a friendship like that at all, I do have an issue with a relationship like that. God didn't make me just so I could pick anyone I have chemistry with and go for forever with them. While I might date someone on another boat later on in life, it won't be to recruit them. He gets kicked off the list of possible suitors mostly because he's a jerk. I will link an article I read entitled, "Whom You Marry Matters." I loved it, and I knew it was from God. I have a really clear personal conviction to not date until I am for sure that God is okay with it. I don't want to step out of His will for my life for some boy who's not supposed to be there yet or at all. But this week I found myself getting clingy to Michael. I don't know what my subconscious is up to, but I don't like it. The only thing I need to cling to is God. (My phone has some pretty great autocorrects. It just changed cling to Fong, which is kind of racist because a chick who I'm pretty sure is Michael's crush is Asian.) Anyway, I know that any satisfaction that I get from being with someone is only temporary unless it's through Christ. So when I look for assurance and affirmation with people I know that you aren't going to find anything permanent. People change, opinions change, but the love of God never wavers. In Him I have to find my strength, instead of looking to a boy for support. Even though it's quite tempting to want to feel wanted, back up and look at what you're doing...note to self. That being said, my faux pas wasn't really a sinful one- I just rambled about a couple of insecurities to Michael in a message. On Facebook. Yeah, you can laugh. The only thing I should be doing on Facebook while upset is asking for prayer from my church family. I actually avoided him in the hallway today, which is kind of hilarious. At least he doesn't think I'm perfect? Life is good, even when you do things that are embarrassing. I desire your prayers. P.S. I am worried that my ex is going to ask me to his senior prom. "What should I say?" asks a confused Emily to her readership and her Savior. Like I said, prayers! http://thechristianpundit.org/2012/08/15/it/ I don't think I've felt this low in a while. I'm really stressed out, or burned out, you pick. I feel like I'm getting really close to the end of my fuse, and I don't even know why.
We had a great service at church last night, and I spent almost all day ready to go and conquer. And then I failed, but made some progress on our lift. And then I failed some more. And then I had to fix someone else's mistakes because they were too lazy to do their job. So I had to do mine twice. And then biology got philosophical. How can a relationship be mutualistic if one thing eats the other? So what if the fungus can grow because of an ant- it gets eaten. How is that beneficial? Then in rehearsal we all sat in our dance studio and did songs. Ensemble and my friends left. After that, my acquaintances left. And then there was me on the side by myself and others in cliques. I had never felt so alone. Am I depressed? Am I just tired, or what? Will this go away if I just get more sleep? Or is this a me issue? Am I screwed up? Maybe I'm introverted- maybe that's why I get so tired of people sometimes. It just feels like I'm spread so thin and I can't gather myself back up. I have a nine hour rehearsal tomorrow with my giant cast. I will be with my friends. I will be with my former friends. I will be with Michael and all my other theater acquaintances. But the question that's on my mind is whether or not I'll feel alone. Don't get me wrong- I cherish my solidarity. But there comes a point and time where you really just need to take a break from...yourself? I don't even know anymore. I'm so tired of feeling like this. And maybe I put myself here. Maybe I wrecked my friendships with Michael and Michelle; actually, I think I definitely did that. And I was in my shower yesterday, I knew I needed to apologize to Michael. I said so many things about him to keep Michelle safe. She was fragile and even I didn't realize the extent of that feebleness until their breakup. So maybe I was trying to shield her from some pain. But that didn't mean I had to push him down to try to pull her up. And I didn't even say it to his face. I was never rude to him in person- only stoically polite. It's ridiculous how bad I was to him. And I need to apologize, but I haven't. Maybe that's why I feel this way. I prayed yesterday for God to be with me in how I could make our show better. And he told me to apologize. I haven't yet. I remember when MIchael and I talked and he told me about how he was really struggling and all the things that he was dealing with. I had that with Michelle too. And I threw it away. I threw it away because I wasn't mature enough to deal with the eventual break up. They both meant a lot to me. And lately these days it feels like I've lost so much. I'm just getting deeper into nothing. |
AuthorTwenty-something kind-of-adult woman trying to navigate her future, her calling, and her God. Archives
August 2017
Categories
All
|