CK,
Oh my word, I miss you! Although I've been gone for a whole two weeks today, it feels like I just left- just hugged you yesterday, just choked back some serious tears, just sobbed in the airport listening to depressing music that did not at all help my mood. While I was there, CK, I swear I saw you like three times and all I wanted to tell you was that you would be okay and we would both make it through this crap. Telling you that you have changed my life seems very intimate and kind of weird. But I would be lying if I said it wasn't true. Coming back to Kentucky after living with all sorts of honest, broken, struggling, authentic people is like being on fire then getting dropped in ice water. You hiss for a few minutes, melt the ice a little, but overall, everything is the same except you're colder. I sat through work training at the writing center for three days. I moved into a new apartment over four days. I put bills in my name and built bookcases. I had friends over and scheduled my next semester. I felt like an adult, but I felt kind of empty. I feel kind of empty. I was terrified of going into my home church Sunday and being surrounded by a homogeneous lump of white, middle class attitude where nothing is wrong. But God heard that. And He made my pastor talk about how our church should not be for pretty people. He made my pastor talk about how we are all spiritually standing in a bread line, just trying to help each other out. I'm not ashamed to admit that at that point, tears were streaming down my face actively. Jesus has made me care so much about you and everyone else at DRM, and I wish I could just bottle that up and put it in the communion grape juice. I wonder how you would feel if you walked into my church. Would you see anyone who looked like you? Who talked like you? Who you felt you shared a past or even part of an identity with? I wonder, if I hadn't come to DRM, if I would have ever glanced at you twice, and knowing you and knowing myself, that breaks my heart for how entitled I am. And I don't want to say what I'm doing here is without purpose- it isn't. Mentoring young adults who are new to college and navigating life is important. Communication skills are less important. But what I want to be able to do is care for people's souls, and I got to do that this summer. I don't know how to do that here. I don't feel like I fit here anymore. But God is sovereign and my feelings are not truth. He is good. He loves me. He loves you. I hope I get to go to heaven with you. Fish out of water, Emily
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AuthorTwenty-something kind-of-adult woman trying to navigate her future, her calling, and her God. Archives
August 2017
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